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(Just Like) Starting Over

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After 20 odd variations and aborted ideas, I’ve finally settled on a design for this website. I think that it straddles that razor-thin line between self-aggrandizing douchebaggery and…not that. If I’m wrong, please take a second and let me know.

To be clear: maybe I’m not a professional writer at all — maybe I’m just deconstructing the very concept of writing professionally.

I’m not exactly sure what it is with people and self-promotion. I’m terrible at it, everyone I know is terrible at it. The idea of asking anyone for anything, least of all attention or money, completely mortifies me.

Case in point:

I used to work as a waiter at a popular chain restaurant. I did this for years, even though I was (and remain) completely ill-equipped for the job. The interesting thing about that line of work is that you’re not necessarily judged in the way you’d expect to be. To my mind, the number one job performance metric for a waiter is customer satisfaction. If you can manage to improve a person’s day by bringing them lukewarm food and/or banter, that’s aces in my book.

In reality, customer satisfaction is barely a factor. Anyone who’s ever worked at the local Chili-Bee-Tuesday’s knows the real driving force: the upsell. All those helpful young ladies and gentlemen who offer you a shrimp scampi topping for your fajita platter don’t give a damn about the deliciousness of your meal– they’re  just selling you couch insurance. The incentives are many:  a pricier check means a marginally increased tip, but it also means better shifts when the data is collected.

If you’re not a salesman, you’re an off-peak-hours type employee. Which is exactly what I was. Not only did I not excel at selling things, I actively avoided even attempting to sell things. Instead of asking the normal “Can I start you guys off with an ice-cold margarita shooter and some taco bites?” I’d say “Can I bring you something to drink? Maybe some water? Some water with a shitload of lemons and our entire  stockroom supply of sweet and low? It’s free!”

A few times a year, the restaurant would spend a month or so raising money for charity. It was usually St. Jude’s Cancer Research Center. I applaud charity wherever I see it, but I also understand why it’s intrusive and rude to put a patron in the awkward position of  potentially having

 to say no to cancer-stricken children. Putting a stranger on the spot is not something I am capable of.

My fellow waiters and waitresses treated it as a contest. There would be a weekly, daily, even an hourly report printed with a running total of money raised by each individual. The folks at the bottom were singled out for ridicule and shame, while the folks at the top were given the opportunity to write their own schedules. Obviously, I wasn’t going to be on top. I just didn’t have the constitution for it.

You know what I did? I pretended. Every morning shift, I’d take somewhere between 25 and 30 dollars and earmark it for charity. A good, solid number– but not high enough to arouse suspicion. I would then wait on my tables, hoping that I’d make at least 40 or 50 bucks so that the day’s work wouldn’t be completely useless. More often than not, I’d leave with less money than I walked in the door with. I would do this for the entire month, barely scraping together enough money for gas and coffee.

I suspect I’m not the only one.

For some reason, I consider it a point of pride that I’m completely embarrassed by almost everything. If I’m completely red-faced, at least I know that I’m sincere.

That said, who’s looking to get in on the ground floor of my can’t-miss multi-level marketing program? Click here for details.

 

 


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